Heartache

At my age, you would think trying to figure out men would get easier. However, the men you are familiar with and have know for awhile become very hard to read. I figured this because you have witness every phase of his life and now he's switching it up again. What I'm trying to get at here is I have one of the male friends that I've know for it feels like eternity. We dated a bit in high school and since then I've seen him with every type of women, but the right one. Not saying that I am (but I am) but we always come back around to square one after one of his horrible relationship.

I put on my big fake smile and listen to his comments and concerns of his dating life and then he always switches gears on me. This gear being the I like you but I don't know if I really like you like you gear. This gear is the one I always have to stop myself from shifting in to head over hill because we went through this "I will tease you and talk all sexy to you about you and then say we are just friend" phase well I just stopped it from happening the third time sense our first correspondence years ago. This pedaling back and forth with him has put me in an emotional bid at times, but over the years I have learned to control, and suppress the internal need to want him.



I guess on a positive note, he his the only man that can pull on my heartstrings, and I'm sure he is very aware. He has graciously not used that weakness against me and use me up until I am no good. This you would say would hopefully make it easier for me to move forward in my relationship seeking. No, I have no want to look and date, but I want all that goes along with a long happy loving relationship. I have to say at this point I am stuck, I want all that I have in a relationship with my long time male friend, but I don't want to start over and work on a new relationship to get it to the point of my satisfaction.

So, I guess I've decided at this moment to give it all up, give up on love, and a loving stable relationship. I'm to young for this decision, but why does finding meaningful relationships have to be so hard?



Differences

Today, I woke up worried and wondering how my good friend was doing. The phone rings and it's my female parental unit calling to question why my good friend has updated her on her status (she's in the hospital by the way) and why she is asking her to pray for her strength in a time of need. Well, for someone who is so involved with religious beliefs right now I figured she'd be the first one to send a little prayer of health to whom she is following for my good friend. But no... it's to much for her and all of a sudden she has some business to attend to, but when the tables are turned in her favor I have to listen and participate.

After, that I had to ask myself. Am I the only normal person in my family, who cares about more than just myself and my delusions of life?

Sunrise in Michigan