Heartache

At my age, you would think trying to figure out men would get easier. However, the men you are familiar with and have know for awhile become very hard to read. I figured this because you have witness every phase of his life and now he's switching it up again. What I'm trying to get at here is I have one of the male friends that I've know for it feels like eternity. We dated a bit in high school and since then I've seen him with every type of women, but the right one. Not saying that I am (but I am) but we always come back around to square one after one of his horrible relationship.

I put on my big fake smile and listen to his comments and concerns of his dating life and then he always switches gears on me. This gear being the I like you but I don't know if I really like you like you gear. This gear is the one I always have to stop myself from shifting in to head over hill because we went through this "I will tease you and talk all sexy to you about you and then say we are just friend" phase well I just stopped it from happening the third time sense our first correspondence years ago. This pedaling back and forth with him has put me in an emotional bid at times, but over the years I have learned to control, and suppress the internal need to want him.



I guess on a positive note, he his the only man that can pull on my heartstrings, and I'm sure he is very aware. He has graciously not used that weakness against me and use me up until I am no good. This you would say would hopefully make it easier for me to move forward in my relationship seeking. No, I have no want to look and date, but I want all that goes along with a long happy loving relationship. I have to say at this point I am stuck, I want all that I have in a relationship with my long time male friend, but I don't want to start over and work on a new relationship to get it to the point of my satisfaction.

So, I guess I've decided at this moment to give it all up, give up on love, and a loving stable relationship. I'm to young for this decision, but why does finding meaningful relationships have to be so hard?