Merry Christmas?

Here it is another Christmas and I am just as anxious and depressed as usually. I could say that the events that took place 10 years ago have dulled pain wise but I still don't feel as festive as I was prior to that tradgic day. I sit here with a painted smile on my face while I continue to die inside. How do I get back to that place where life was a fun adventure and not a terrifying ride through an unfamiliar neighborhood at night?
I don't know but I guess I will continue to coast through life with this happy expression on my face. No one would ever understand why I feel so dark about life. Hell I can't understand myself when I started down this road.

Merry Christmas to all the fakers like me and those whom are actually happy in life.

😔🎄

Missed Moments

So, it just hit me today as I was looking through my video diary. I realized how many missed opportunities I've missed out on, and I'm wonder how and when this change came about. These missed opportunities were all in the love life category of life. What is wrong with me?? When did I become so cold/blind?!

Mind you, I am introverted to a point, but I've never had a hard time flirting it's really the follow up and unsuredness of myself that may assist in my relationship flops. Then years down the road I'm kicking myself wishing I didn't have such a hard time tell guys how I feel about them. 😒

I feel being older should help with this expression of feeling, yet it has not. I have retreated further in my shell and long harder to be with someone besides myself. I really don't want to be alone. I just don't know how to change this trajectory of my life at this point. 😔

Contemplating on how to move forward in light of this revelations. Of course there are no prospects as of late but I will try to keep this in mind.

Getting Older

So...soon, will come the day that I am a year older. Truthfully, I really lost count of how old I am turning this year, after twenty-five I stopped counting. I don't know if this a good thing.

I think that this year I am going to come up with a birthday resolution as apposed to a new years resolution to give up on only months after I start. With this resolution I hope to renew and remind myself come the new year of what my goals were on my birthday. I am not sure what I am goings to be working on, but I still have two weeks before I need to put it in action.

I just hope the rest of this year goes as smoothly as the first half of this year, then it would have been a pretty decent year for once in a while for me.

Late Night Thoughts

Just a quick update in reference to my last blog, "online dating". That is going terribly..2 months down and 4 more to go on my subscription; if that is what you call it.

Any who my late night thought was, you know how people ask what you would change about your past, and you lie and say nothing because you don't want people to think you're pathetic or a whiner. Well I am going to bare all on this question, because there are some thing I would change although I really don't want to change my current outcome to much. However, I know any actually travelling back in time to make these changes will alter my current situation regardless. So here goes anyway.

What would I change about my past?
I would definately say I wish I would have been more social in school, gone to my prom, kissed a boy. Hell admit that I had a crush on my crushes. Joined in on more sports and activity clubs. I wish my parents hugged and kissed me more. I wished they acknowledged me as a person no matter my age. I wish I was comfortable and confident in my own skin back then. I regret all the dumb mistake I made as a young adult, such as getting credit cards and maxing them out unable to pay for them. I wish I took the time to understand finances, credit and investments. I wish I knew what a good man was, I wish my father was that role model or that there was that in my life so that I wouldn't have such terrible taste in men. I wish I had a more stable life not being bounced from base to base. I wish I told my daughter's father no and made us work it out, but of course I can't make someone do what they don't want. I would like to have been married before my daughter was born. It's a hard job being a single parent, you worry ten times more than two parent households. I love my daughter I would not change a thing about her.

What would I change now?
I wish I could say what was on my mind out loud without feeling guilty or dumb.
I wish I could hug and kiss my daughter without feeling of discomfort and unease.
I wish I wasn't so anxious about life and my future.
I wish I wasn't broken into a million pieces.

Online Dating??

Online Dating...

Okay so, I tried this dating app. I will not say because it is not the individuals whom came up with the apps' fault for the dim witted idiots on the site. However, it was not Tender. I only last on this sight for 24 hour. Why? Because within 24 hrs I experience every extreme possible in the male personality. I'm not sure if that is because the fact that we were not face to face so they felt if was okay to ask very personal question they wouldn't ask in person.

The first guy whom messaged me was very charming...horrible spelling, and maybe that should have been a red flag, but I know some guys just all around suck at typing and spelling, period. So, I over looked that minor detail it wasn't as if he speech would need spell check if we were to get beyond this messaging stage. Then he started to get bossy and demanded I download KIK so he could message me through that app. I said I would try, but when I did not respond to him in a timely enough fashion he got huffy. Then the next day he messages me and proceeds to whine about his internet bill being due, and proceeded to ask if I could help him. Where I declined and explained that I would not forgo one of my bills to pay a strangers bills and discontinued talking to him.

Guy #2 was very nice look and charming as well. However, six lines into our messaging he asked me my bra size and if I would show them to him. I politely stated, no and mentally moved on. However, then he messages me to see if I would like to meet him. I politely stated that I thought he was nice, however, I don't think we are on the same page. I stated I am not looking for a friends with benefits relationship. His response, "I see".

Guy #3 I would say I had the longest conversion with, he came across charming as well, we talked about our favorite books and hobbies, then he asked me the shoes size. I inquired as to his inquiry and he said he liked feet and would like to give me a foot massage if I would allow it. Then he started asking me if I would come visit him...mind you in NY. In my mind it was all moving way to fast. Come to find out also from his Facebook...yeah, I got his whole name. 1. He has a girlfriend, and 2. He has two Facebook pages, why? shenanigan my guess 3. He is young as hell 10 yrs my junior. I just slowly faded in the background with him. Haven't heard from him, thank goodness. Hopefully his girlfriend put him in check...lol!

So, that is why I can't handle this online dating and will re-frame from it. I vow to wonder hardware stores, bookstores, coffee shops and local bars for men. Never again will I try the online thing. I swear it's for men with one track minds.

Ramblings....dream deferred

Dream Deferred (ramblings)

Antsy; jumpy; constantly moving....these are all terms that describe how I feel right now. I don't know why, but I feel like I can jump out of my own skin. I have so much energy and want to do so much but I don't have the time or finance to do all that my jittery mind and body wish to do.

I want not to be alone in my life. My child is getting older and will be leaving my house soon, then I will be alone...so so alone. I don't know what I would do with my life. I have lived thus far to keep her safe, happy, fed, and dressed. Now, as her dependency wanes, I have no ideal what do do in my growing free time?

I know I'm way ahead of myself, but I still am no where, where I want to be in my life. I am not anything I expected I would be. Dream deferred, I don't even remember what I dreamed for myself. I think at this point good health is a great start, but my new dream would be to learn to date again, and however that works these days. :/ Technology has kind of killed the face to face interaction. I would like to eventually own a house and have a halfway decent car. I would also like to control my own work schedule and have money save to travel when ever my heart fancied. To travel the world would make me the happiest and my ultimate dream would be to buy and own my own tropical island and escape from the tragedy and drama of the world.