Wednesday, September 19, 2018

Can I fall apart?

So last night I was thinking...I have been the rock for everyone else and I am tired. When do I get my chance to fall apart and just give up on life? Do I have that option? In retrospect no, because all those that I hold up and remain strong for would really suffer. Why is it that I feel like the only responsible person who can manage life?

I am barely hanging on to a string here and everyone runs to me as if I have it together. Guess what I don't! I WANT TO QUIT! I am exhausted! Can someone do the basic life stuff for me as I do for others? Can someone manage my money and my calendar like I do for others? Can I just not go to work and lay in bed and feel sorry for myself like others? I truly think I am due for a mid life crisis. Seriously! I know I'm well past mid-life but what the heck!

All these young people are falling apart at the seams around me were I have remained vigilant and steadfast.
I know I am a great role model for my teenager, but I am tired, done, finished so ready to just throw in the towel. Not in the sense of ending my life or anything lets get that straight. I have no thoughts of harming myself. I just wish the load of my life was not so heavy. What do I mean, well I am a parent, sister, aunt, sister in law, daughter, cousin, wedding planner, counselor, financial adviser, calendar manager, web purchaser, stuff finder, entertainer, ATM, and so on. You see why I am tired? I just don't get to be just me, I have entirely to many hats that I am wearing and some of them are very unnecessary...for instance financial adviser...why am I managing anyone else's money when I can't handle my own? I didn't ask for that it just fell on me because I seem as though I have it together in that department and the is extremely incorrect.

I need a break, a long vacation away from people, internet and phone. Can I just go off the grid for a month or so? Recoup find myself and learn so say no to everyone and everything that finds its way to me after my retreat from life.

So tired...


Friday, August 31, 2018

Really?!

So, what have we reduced ourselves to these day? Why is this screen and very other screens our prison? 
Well, anyways...I am single, yes, you heard right. I haven't approached the dating scene at all in this modern day and age because it all seems superficial and fake. Why, because people hide behind their devices and I'm sorry but I don't want to date your device or what visual image you are trying to portray.
Why did I chose this subject this morning? Well, I have an Instagram page which I keep private and only share with close friends and family because it is my life on display. I share such things that people whom do not know me don't need to know nor would they find it interesting, because I lead a normal life with no extravagant ventures and what not so my Instagram is what I say would be boring compare to those whom share their life adventures with the world. 
With that being said some guy whom looking through his Instagram following trolls Instagram to pick up girls. I happen to be on his radar the other day. I allowed him to follow me and I followed him in return only to block his follow after he allowed me to follow him because well hey, he had much of nothing on his profile description and I swear I pour my heart out on my mine (at least have caption to my Instagram). Mind you this guy is hot with a capital H and I'm thinking there is no way this guy wants to follow my boring ass life, low and behold he sent me a message. I responded cordially thinking maybe this is someone from my past that I don't remember. Nope, he is a complete stranger to me and he just wanted to holla and because I'm nice and I don't mind polite conversation indulge in the conversation for a bit. I'm a nice person and I don't mind talking to people so I figured what's worse that can happen from this? 
Well, I will have to keep you all posted on that because our conversation was interrupted by life on both sides. Hey, maybe I will make a new friend, not really looking to make this a "relationship on a sexual" level if that's what he's looking for. Friends are cool with me.
Why can't I ever meet people in real life like they come to me over the internet? I am not as scary as I appear in person. Maybe I just exude too much confidence. Oh, well I am not going to dim my light for anyone. Well, not anymore!

Really I don't care for those whom, try to create hollow relationships over the internet to hide their true selves. I am true to myself on here and in person. I have absolutely nothing to hide. Try me...you can message me via Instagram blue_j79, anytime. 

Wednesday, August 29, 2018

Forgotten

So, I totally forget about this blog until just now. How did this happen you might ask? Life. I have living my life, growing and learning new things about myself and the world around me.
A lot has happened in two years, but I can't go back or won't go back. Don't get me wrong there was some great stuff and some horrible stuff but along the way I learned to leave the past... well in the past.
Starting from today know that I am happy, healthy and safe. I am still learning about myself and the irony of life. I hope to remember to share my life ups and downs as I have also learned I am not the only one to experience turbulence and joy in life.
I leave you with this question, is your past keeping you from moving forward? If so leave it where it belongs...in the past, work on today.