Can I fall apart?

So last night I was thinking...I have been the rock for everyone else and I am tired. When do I get my chance to fall apart and just give up on life? Do I have that option? In retrospect no, because all those that I hold up and remain strong for would really suffer. Why is it that I feel like the only responsible person who can manage life?

I am barely hanging on to a string here and everyone runs to me as if I have it together. Guess what I don't! I WANT TO QUIT! I am exhausted! Can someone do the basic life stuff for me as I do for others? Can someone manage my money and my calendar like I do for others? Can I just not go to work and lay in bed and feel sorry for myself like others? I truly think I am due for a mid life crisis. Seriously! I know I'm well past mid-life but what the heck!

All these young people are falling apart at the seams around me were I have remained vigilant and steadfast.
I know I am a great role model for my teenager, but I am tired, done, finished so ready to just throw in the towel. Not in the sense of ending my life or anything lets get that straight. I have no thoughts of harming myself. I just wish the load of my life was not so heavy. What do I mean, well I am a parent, sister, aunt, sister in law, daughter, cousin, wedding planner, counselor, financial adviser, calendar manager, web purchaser, stuff finder, entertainer, ATM, and so on. You see why I am tired? I just don't get to be just me, I have entirely to many hats that I am wearing and some of them are very unnecessary...for instance financial adviser...why am I managing anyone else's money when I can't handle my own? I didn't ask for that it just fell on me because I seem as though I have it together in that department and the is extremely incorrect.

I need a break, a long vacation away from people, internet and phone. Can I just go off the grid for a month or so? Recoup find myself and learn so say no to everyone and everything that finds its way to me after my retreat from life.

So tired...

Really?!

So, what have we reduced ourselves to these day? Why is this screen and very other screens our prison? 
Well, anyways...I am single, yes, you heard right. I haven't approached the dating scene at all in this modern day and age because it all seems superficial and fake. Why, because people hide behind their devices and I'm sorry but I don't want to date your device or what visual image you are trying to portray.
Why did I chose this subject this morning? Well, I have an Instagram page which I keep private and only share with close friends and family because it is my life on display. I share such things that people whom do not know me don't need to know nor would they find it interesting, because I lead a normal life with no extravagant ventures and what not so my Instagram is what I say would be boring compare to those whom share their life adventures with the world. 
With that being said some guy whom looking through his Instagram following trolls Instagram to pick up girls. I happen to be on his radar the other day. I allowed him to follow me and I followed him in return only to block his follow after he allowed me to follow him because well hey, he had much of nothing on his profile description and I swear I pour my heart out on my mine (at least have caption to my Instagram). Mind you this guy is hot with a capital H and I'm thinking there is no way this guy wants to follow my boring ass life, low and behold he sent me a message. I responded cordially thinking maybe this is someone from my past that I don't remember. Nope, he is a complete stranger to me and he just wanted to holla and because I'm nice and I don't mind polite conversation indulge in the conversation for a bit. I'm a nice person and I don't mind talking to people so I figured what's worse that can happen from this? 
Well, I will have to keep you all posted on that because our conversation was interrupted by life on both sides. Hey, maybe I will make a new friend, not really looking to make this a "relationship on a sexual" level if that's what he's looking for. Friends are cool with me.
Why can't I ever meet people in real life like they come to me over the internet? I am not as scary as I appear in person. Maybe I just exude too much confidence. Oh, well I am not going to dim my light for anyone. Well, not anymore!

Really I don't care for those whom, try to create hollow relationships over the internet to hide their true selves. I am true to myself on here and in person. I have absolutely nothing to hide. Try me...you can message me via Instagram blue_j79, anytime. 

Forgotten

So, I totally forget about this blog until just now. How did this happen you might ask? Life. I have living my life, growing and learning new things about myself and the world around me.
A lot has happened in two years, but I can't go back or won't go back. Don't get me wrong there was some great stuff and some horrible stuff but along the way I learned to leave the past... well in the past.
Starting from today know that I am happy, healthy and safe. I am still learning about myself and the irony of life. I hope to remember to share my life ups and downs as I have also learned I am not the only one to experience turbulence and joy in life.
I leave you with this question, is your past keeping you from moving forward? If so leave it where it belongs...in the past, work on today.

Merry Christmas?

Here it is another Christmas and I am just as anxious and depressed as usually. I could say that the events that took place 10 years ago have dulled pain wise but I still don't feel as festive as I was prior to that tradgic day. I sit here with a painted smile on my face while I continue to die inside. How do I get back to that place where life was a fun adventure and not a terrifying ride through an unfamiliar neighborhood at night?
I don't know but I guess I will continue to coast through life with this happy expression on my face. No one would ever understand why I feel so dark about life. Hell I can't understand myself when I started down this road.

Merry Christmas to all the fakers like me and those whom are actually happy in life.

😔🎄

Missed Moments

So, it just hit me today as I was looking through my video diary. I realized how many missed opportunities I've missed out on, and I'm wonder how and when this change came about. These missed opportunities were all in the love life category of life. What is wrong with me?? When did I become so cold/blind?!

Mind you, I am introverted to a point, but I've never had a hard time flirting it's really the follow up and unsuredness of myself that may assist in my relationship flops. Then years down the road I'm kicking myself wishing I didn't have such a hard time tell guys how I feel about them. 😒

I feel being older should help with this expression of feeling, yet it has not. I have retreated further in my shell and long harder to be with someone besides myself. I really don't want to be alone. I just don't know how to change this trajectory of my life at this point. 😔

Contemplating on how to move forward in light of this revelations. Of course there are no prospects as of late but I will try to keep this in mind.

Getting Older

So...soon, will come the day that I am a year older. Truthfully, I really lost count of how old I am turning this year, after twenty-five I stopped counting. I don't know if this a good thing.

I think that this year I am going to come up with a birthday resolution as apposed to a new years resolution to give up on only months after I start. With this resolution I hope to renew and remind myself come the new year of what my goals were on my birthday. I am not sure what I am goings to be working on, but I still have two weeks before I need to put it in action.

I just hope the rest of this year goes as smoothly as the first half of this year, then it would have been a pretty decent year for once in a while for me.

Late Night Thoughts

Just a quick update in reference to my last blog, "online dating". That is going terribly..2 months down and 4 more to go on my subscription; if that is what you call it.

Any who my late night thought was, you know how people ask what you would change about your past, and you lie and say nothing because you don't want people to think you're pathetic or a whiner. Well I am going to bare all on this question, because there are some thing I would change although I really don't want to change my current outcome to much. However, I know any actually travelling back in time to make these changes will alter my current situation regardless. So here goes anyway.

What would I change about my past?
I would definately say I wish I would have been more social in school, gone to my prom, kissed a boy. Hell admit that I had a crush on my crushes. Joined in on more sports and activity clubs. I wish my parents hugged and kissed me more. I wished they acknowledged me as a person no matter my age. I wish I was comfortable and confident in my own skin back then. I regret all the dumb mistake I made as a young adult, such as getting credit cards and maxing them out unable to pay for them. I wish I took the time to understand finances, credit and investments. I wish I knew what a good man was, I wish my father was that role model or that there was that in my life so that I wouldn't have such terrible taste in men. I wish I had a more stable life not being bounced from base to base. I wish I told my daughter's father no and made us work it out, but of course I can't make someone do what they don't want. I would like to have been married before my daughter was born. It's a hard job being a single parent, you worry ten times more than two parent households. I love my daughter I would not change a thing about her.

What would I change now?
I wish I could say what was on my mind out loud without feeling guilty or dumb.
I wish I could hug and kiss my daughter without feeling of discomfort and unease.
I wish I wasn't so anxious about life and my future.
I wish I wasn't broken into a million pieces.