Late Night Thoughts

Just a quick update in reference to my last blog, "online dating". That is going terribly..2 months down and 4 more to go on my subscription; if that is what you call it.

Any who my late night thought was, you know how people ask what you would change about your past, and you lie and say nothing because you don't want people to think you're pathetic or a whiner. Well I am going to bare all on this question, because there are some thing I would change although I really don't want to change my current outcome to much. However, I know any actually travelling back in time to make these changes will alter my current situation regardless. So here goes anyway.

What would I change about my past?
I would definately say I wish I would have been more social in school, gone to my prom, kissed a boy. Hell admit that I had a crush on my crushes. Joined in on more sports and activity clubs. I wish my parents hugged and kissed me more. I wished they acknowledged me as a person no matter my age. I wish I was comfortable and confident in my own skin back then. I regret all the dumb mistake I made as a young adult, such as getting credit cards and maxing them out unable to pay for them. I wish I took the time to understand finances, credit and investments. I wish I knew what a good man was, I wish my father was that role model or that there was that in my life so that I wouldn't have such terrible taste in men. I wish I had a more stable life not being bounced from base to base. I wish I told my daughter's father no and made us work it out, but of course I can't make someone do what they don't want. I would like to have been married before my daughter was born. It's a hard job being a single parent, you worry ten times more than two parent households. I love my daughter I would not change a thing about her.

What would I change now?
I wish I could say what was on my mind out loud without feeling guilty or dumb.
I wish I could hug and kiss my daughter without feeling of discomfort and unease.
I wish I wasn't so anxious about life and my future.
I wish I wasn't broken into a million pieces.

Online Dating??

Online Dating...

Okay so, I tried this dating app. I will not say because it is not the individuals whom came up with the apps' fault for the dim witted idiots on the site. However, it was not Tender. I only last on this sight for 24 hour. Why? Because within 24 hrs I experience every extreme possible in the male personality. I'm not sure if that is because the fact that we were not face to face so they felt if was okay to ask very personal question they wouldn't ask in person.

The first guy whom messaged me was very charming...horrible spelling, and maybe that should have been a red flag, but I know some guys just all around suck at typing and spelling, period. So, I over looked that minor detail it wasn't as if he speech would need spell check if we were to get beyond this messaging stage. Then he started to get bossy and demanded I download KIK so he could message me through that app. I said I would try, but when I did not respond to him in a timely enough fashion he got huffy. Then the next day he messages me and proceeds to whine about his internet bill being due, and proceeded to ask if I could help him. Where I declined and explained that I would not forgo one of my bills to pay a strangers bills and discontinued talking to him.

Guy #2 was very nice look and charming as well. However, six lines into our messaging he asked me my bra size and if I would show them to him. I politely stated, no and mentally moved on. However, then he messages me to see if I would like to meet him. I politely stated that I thought he was nice, however, I don't think we are on the same page. I stated I am not looking for a friends with benefits relationship. His response, "I see".

Guy #3 I would say I had the longest conversion with, he came across charming as well, we talked about our favorite books and hobbies, then he asked me the shoes size. I inquired as to his inquiry and he said he liked feet and would like to give me a foot massage if I would allow it. Then he started asking me if I would come visit him...mind you in NY. In my mind it was all moving way to fast. Come to find out also from his Facebook...yeah, I got his whole name. 1. He has a girlfriend, and 2. He has two Facebook pages, why? shenanigan my guess 3. He is young as hell 10 yrs my junior. I just slowly faded in the background with him. Haven't heard from him, thank goodness. Hopefully his girlfriend put him in check...lol!

So, that is why I can't handle this online dating and will re-frame from it. I vow to wonder hardware stores, bookstores, coffee shops and local bars for men. Never again will I try the online thing. I swear it's for men with one track minds.

Ramblings....dream deferred

Dream Deferred (ramblings)

Antsy; jumpy; constantly moving....these are all terms that describe how I feel right now. I don't know why, but I feel like I can jump out of my own skin. I have so much energy and want to do so much but I don't have the time or finance to do all that my jittery mind and body wish to do.

I want not to be alone in my life. My child is getting older and will be leaving my house soon, then I will be alone...so so alone. I don't know what I would do with my life. I have lived thus far to keep her safe, happy, fed, and dressed. Now, as her dependency wanes, I have no ideal what do do in my growing free time?

I know I'm way ahead of myself, but I still am no where, where I want to be in my life. I am not anything I expected I would be. Dream deferred, I don't even remember what I dreamed for myself. I think at this point good health is a great start, but my new dream would be to learn to date again, and however that works these days. :/ Technology has kind of killed the face to face interaction. I would like to eventually own a house and have a halfway decent car. I would also like to control my own work schedule and have money save to travel when ever my heart fancied. To travel the world would make me the happiest and my ultimate dream would be to buy and own my own tropical island and escape from the tragedy and drama of the world.

So long...2015

So, here I am on the eve of Christmas, working. My year had it's downs and ups, I would say that at this moment I am on an up. I have began the journey of learning more about myself and what I can accomplish on my own. 

Sincerely hoping that my year will remain on the up and up. I will also continue to work on myself physically and mentally. My mental state is in a much better place than where it's been over the years. Although, I still have the occasional panic attack it is not as prominent as it was in my dark and depressed years. On the physical note, now that I have slowly come from my dark place I think I have the time and focus to work on my physical state. I have a lot of energy these days and I feel I should use this extra energy to help get myself back to a health weight. I have been really bad over the last few months with overeating and just plain old eating like crap.

I will continue to put me first over the next year, I have found that while doing this more often over the last couple of months I feel much better, even relaxed. I have also cut down a few stresses in my life. Although, it might be thought of as harsh but a lot of my stress had stemmed  from family. Sometime you just need that distance in order to salvage what regains in the relationship.

This year I think I want to ease my way back into the dating scene. I have been choosing the wrong men for to long and I think I should just date for awhile. You know no single commitment to one person. Just several meet and see how it goes meeting. No, sexual encounter what so ever. I kind of suck at saying "no" especially when it's been awhile but this could give me the motivation to work my frustrations out more at the gym. 

Education??!

It breaks my heart that my child is struggling in one class because the teacher won't meet her halfway.
We were recently homeless and being in such a situation students don't have access to alot oc things the teacher requires for class. For example this teacher posted article of the weeks online and asked all students to print them off do them and turn them in by the end of the week. Prior to this I pretty much handwritten letters to all of my daugher's teachers explaining our situation as well as asking them not to penalize her due to our situation.
This one teacher wether she is playing dumb or not continuously even after request from my daugher gave her the articles printed a day before the due date not allowing her extra time to complete it like her classmates. This teacher continued do this even after being asked by my daugher at the beginnig of the week. Now that the semester is windig down and my child is only failing this class she is beyond stressed.
I am so angry this happened to my child that I don't know what to do. It's really not her fault that she is failing, in this case the teacher failed her.
I am starting to understand why children are discouraged and want to drop out my high school. Where are the quality teacher?

Blogger's Discretion Advised

I'm not perfect and I try to admitt my faults. When I'm upset I write what I feel at the moment. It's raw and unfiltered. I don't give any names and no one really knows me so if I blogged about you there is no need to get upset. Everyone has moments of frusteration with no one to talk to.
That was where I was and where I always am when I'm venting. This is my release, i'm not asshamed or afraid whom might know. I've bottled too much up in myself and it hurts physically and mentally. I do this for me with no care of who reads it becausd someone out inthis great big world could probably relate.
I do not and will not now or ever apologize for my in the moment feelings beit negative or positive. I love myself enough to be okay with whatever consequences that may arise from someone finding my blog.
I'm tired of talking out loud and no one listening. I've decided to vent via blog get over it. It's not just about you it's about me.

Feeling under the weather

So feeling sick is a bad enough feeling that you don't want to deal with the rest of the world. However, I'm sitting here at Redicare and it was quiet until this ghetto mama comes in with her child. Mind you Redicare is an alternative to the ER especially for things that aren't life threatening. Well, ghetto mama was told that there was a two hour wait and she went off. On whom you may ask? No one really she just bitched about it out loud for everyone to hear. Then to top it off her phone rings and she continues that tirade on the phone. She goes on to say thet have an attitude here and axt like they don't know what they are doing. Just because she has to wait like me and every other patient in this waiting room. I so hate being sick and around ignorant people. 😠😩