Can I fall apart?

So last night I was thinking...I have been the rock for everyone else and I am tired. When do I get my chance to fall apart and just give up on life? Do I have that option? In retrospect no, because all those that I hold up and remain strong for would really suffer. Why is it that I feel like the only responsible person who can manage life?

I am barely hanging on to a string here and everyone runs to me as if I have it together. Guess what I don't! I WANT TO QUIT! I am exhausted! Can someone do the basic life stuff for me as I do for others? Can someone manage my money and my calendar like I do for others? Can I just not go to work and lay in bed and feel sorry for myself like others? I truly think I am due for a mid life crisis. Seriously! I know I'm well past mid-life but what the heck!

All these young people are falling apart at the seams around me were I have remained vigilant and steadfast.
I know I am a great role model for my teenager, but I am tired, done, finished so ready to just throw in the towel. Not in the sense of ending my life or anything lets get that straight. I have no thoughts of harming myself. I just wish the load of my life was not so heavy. What do I mean, well I am a parent, sister, aunt, sister in law, daughter, cousin, wedding planner, counselor, financial adviser, calendar manager, web purchaser, stuff finder, entertainer, ATM, and so on. You see why I am tired? I just don't get to be just me, I have entirely to many hats that I am wearing and some of them are very unnecessary...for instance financial adviser...why am I managing anyone else's money when I can't handle my own? I didn't ask for that it just fell on me because I seem as though I have it together in that department and the is extremely incorrect.

I need a break, a long vacation away from people, internet and phone. Can I just go off the grid for a month or so? Recoup find myself and learn so say no to everyone and everything that finds its way to me after my retreat from life.

So tired...

Really?!

So, what have we reduced ourselves to these day? Why is this screen and very other screens our prison? 
Well, anyways...I am single, yes, you heard right. I haven't approached the dating scene at all in this modern day and age because it all seems superficial and fake. Why, because people hide behind their devices and I'm sorry but I don't want to date your device or what visual image you are trying to portray.
Why did I chose this subject this morning? Well, I have an Instagram page which I keep private and only share with close friends and family because it is my life on display. I share such things that people whom do not know me don't need to know nor would they find it interesting, because I lead a normal life with no extravagant ventures and what not so my Instagram is what I say would be boring compare to those whom share their life adventures with the world. 
With that being said some guy whom looking through his Instagram following trolls Instagram to pick up girls. I happen to be on his radar the other day. I allowed him to follow me and I followed him in return only to block his follow after he allowed me to follow him because well hey, he had much of nothing on his profile description and I swear I pour my heart out on my mine (at least have caption to my Instagram). Mind you this guy is hot with a capital H and I'm thinking there is no way this guy wants to follow my boring ass life, low and behold he sent me a message. I responded cordially thinking maybe this is someone from my past that I don't remember. Nope, he is a complete stranger to me and he just wanted to holla and because I'm nice and I don't mind polite conversation indulge in the conversation for a bit. I'm a nice person and I don't mind talking to people so I figured what's worse that can happen from this? 
Well, I will have to keep you all posted on that because our conversation was interrupted by life on both sides. Hey, maybe I will make a new friend, not really looking to make this a "relationship on a sexual" level if that's what he's looking for. Friends are cool with me.
Why can't I ever meet people in real life like they come to me over the internet? I am not as scary as I appear in person. Maybe I just exude too much confidence. Oh, well I am not going to dim my light for anyone. Well, not anymore!

Really I don't care for those whom, try to create hollow relationships over the internet to hide their true selves. I am true to myself on here and in person. I have absolutely nothing to hide. Try me...you can message me via Instagram blue_j79, anytime. 

Forgotten

So, I totally forget about this blog until just now. How did this happen you might ask? Life. I have living my life, growing and learning new things about myself and the world around me.
A lot has happened in two years, but I can't go back or won't go back. Don't get me wrong there was some great stuff and some horrible stuff but along the way I learned to leave the past... well in the past.
Starting from today know that I am happy, healthy and safe. I am still learning about myself and the irony of life. I hope to remember to share my life ups and downs as I have also learned I am not the only one to experience turbulence and joy in life.
I leave you with this question, is your past keeping you from moving forward? If so leave it where it belongs...in the past, work on today.

Merry Christmas?

Here it is another Christmas and I am just as anxious and depressed as usually. I could say that the events that took place 10 years ago have dulled pain wise but I still don't feel as festive as I was prior to that tradgic day. I sit here with a painted smile on my face while I continue to die inside. How do I get back to that place where life was a fun adventure and not a terrifying ride through an unfamiliar neighborhood at night?
I don't know but I guess I will continue to coast through life with this happy expression on my face. No one would ever understand why I feel so dark about life. Hell I can't understand myself when I started down this road.

Merry Christmas to all the fakers like me and those whom are actually happy in life.

😔🎄

Missed Moments

So, it just hit me today as I was looking through my video diary. I realized how many missed opportunities I've missed out on, and I'm wonder how and when this change came about. These missed opportunities were all in the love life category of life. What is wrong with me?? When did I become so cold/blind?!

Mind you, I am introverted to a point, but I've never had a hard time flirting it's really the follow up and unsuredness of myself that may assist in my relationship flops. Then years down the road I'm kicking myself wishing I didn't have such a hard time tell guys how I feel about them. 😒

I feel being older should help with this expression of feeling, yet it has not. I have retreated further in my shell and long harder to be with someone besides myself. I really don't want to be alone. I just don't know how to change this trajectory of my life at this point. 😔

Contemplating on how to move forward in light of this revelations. Of course there are no prospects as of late but I will try to keep this in mind.

Getting Older

So...soon, will come the day that I am a year older. Truthfully, I really lost count of how old I am turning this year, after twenty-five I stopped counting. I don't know if this a good thing.

I think that this year I am going to come up with a birthday resolution as apposed to a new years resolution to give up on only months after I start. With this resolution I hope to renew and remind myself come the new year of what my goals were on my birthday. I am not sure what I am goings to be working on, but I still have two weeks before I need to put it in action.

I just hope the rest of this year goes as smoothly as the first half of this year, then it would have been a pretty decent year for once in a while for me.

Late Night Thoughts

Just a quick update in reference to my last blog, "online dating". That is going terribly..2 months down and 4 more to go on my subscription; if that is what you call it.

Any who my late night thought was, you know how people ask what you would change about your past, and you lie and say nothing because you don't want people to think you're pathetic or a whiner. Well I am going to bare all on this question, because there are some thing I would change although I really don't want to change my current outcome to much. However, I know any actually travelling back in time to make these changes will alter my current situation regardless. So here goes anyway.

What would I change about my past?
I would definately say I wish I would have been more social in school, gone to my prom, kissed a boy. Hell admit that I had a crush on my crushes. Joined in on more sports and activity clubs. I wish my parents hugged and kissed me more. I wished they acknowledged me as a person no matter my age. I wish I was comfortable and confident in my own skin back then. I regret all the dumb mistake I made as a young adult, such as getting credit cards and maxing them out unable to pay for them. I wish I took the time to understand finances, credit and investments. I wish I knew what a good man was, I wish my father was that role model or that there was that in my life so that I wouldn't have such terrible taste in men. I wish I had a more stable life not being bounced from base to base. I wish I told my daughter's father no and made us work it out, but of course I can't make someone do what they don't want. I would like to have been married before my daughter was born. It's a hard job being a single parent, you worry ten times more than two parent households. I love my daughter I would not change a thing about her.

What would I change now?
I wish I could say what was on my mind out loud without feeling guilty or dumb.
I wish I could hug and kiss my daughter without feeling of discomfort and unease.
I wish I wasn't so anxious about life and my future.
I wish I wasn't broken into a million pieces.

Online Dating??

Online Dating...

Okay so, I tried this dating app. I will not say because it is not the individuals whom came up with the apps' fault for the dim witted idiots on the site. However, it was not Tender. I only last on this sight for 24 hour. Why? Because within 24 hrs I experience every extreme possible in the male personality. I'm not sure if that is because the fact that we were not face to face so they felt if was okay to ask very personal question they wouldn't ask in person.

The first guy whom messaged me was very charming...horrible spelling, and maybe that should have been a red flag, but I know some guys just all around suck at typing and spelling, period. So, I over looked that minor detail it wasn't as if he speech would need spell check if we were to get beyond this messaging stage. Then he started to get bossy and demanded I download KIK so he could message me through that app. I said I would try, but when I did not respond to him in a timely enough fashion he got huffy. Then the next day he messages me and proceeds to whine about his internet bill being due, and proceeded to ask if I could help him. Where I declined and explained that I would not forgo one of my bills to pay a strangers bills and discontinued talking to him.

Guy #2 was very nice look and charming as well. However, six lines into our messaging he asked me my bra size and if I would show them to him. I politely stated, no and mentally moved on. However, then he messages me to see if I would like to meet him. I politely stated that I thought he was nice, however, I don't think we are on the same page. I stated I am not looking for a friends with benefits relationship. His response, "I see".

Guy #3 I would say I had the longest conversion with, he came across charming as well, we talked about our favorite books and hobbies, then he asked me the shoes size. I inquired as to his inquiry and he said he liked feet and would like to give me a foot massage if I would allow it. Then he started asking me if I would come visit him...mind you in NY. In my mind it was all moving way to fast. Come to find out also from his Facebook...yeah, I got his whole name. 1. He has a girlfriend, and 2. He has two Facebook pages, why? shenanigan my guess 3. He is young as hell 10 yrs my junior. I just slowly faded in the background with him. Haven't heard from him, thank goodness. Hopefully his girlfriend put him in check...lol!

So, that is why I can't handle this online dating and will re-frame from it. I vow to wonder hardware stores, bookstores, coffee shops and local bars for men. Never again will I try the online thing. I swear it's for men with one track minds.

Ramblings....dream deferred

Dream Deferred (ramblings)

Antsy; jumpy; constantly moving....these are all terms that describe how I feel right now. I don't know why, but I feel like I can jump out of my own skin. I have so much energy and want to do so much but I don't have the time or finance to do all that my jittery mind and body wish to do.

I want not to be alone in my life. My child is getting older and will be leaving my house soon, then I will be alone...so so alone. I don't know what I would do with my life. I have lived thus far to keep her safe, happy, fed, and dressed. Now, as her dependency wanes, I have no ideal what do do in my growing free time?

I know I'm way ahead of myself, but I still am no where, where I want to be in my life. I am not anything I expected I would be. Dream deferred, I don't even remember what I dreamed for myself. I think at this point good health is a great start, but my new dream would be to learn to date again, and however that works these days. :/ Technology has kind of killed the face to face interaction. I would like to eventually own a house and have a halfway decent car. I would also like to control my own work schedule and have money save to travel when ever my heart fancied. To travel the world would make me the happiest and my ultimate dream would be to buy and own my own tropical island and escape from the tragedy and drama of the world.

So long...2015

So, here I am on the eve of Christmas, working. My year had it's downs and ups, I would say that at this moment I am on an up. I have began the journey of learning more about myself and what I can accomplish on my own. 

Sincerely hoping that my year will remain on the up and up. I will also continue to work on myself physically and mentally. My mental state is in a much better place than where it's been over the years. Although, I still have the occasional panic attack it is not as prominent as it was in my dark and depressed years. On the physical note, now that I have slowly come from my dark place I think I have the time and focus to work on my physical state. I have a lot of energy these days and I feel I should use this extra energy to help get myself back to a health weight. I have been really bad over the last few months with overeating and just plain old eating like crap.

I will continue to put me first over the next year, I have found that while doing this more often over the last couple of months I feel much better, even relaxed. I have also cut down a few stresses in my life. Although, it might be thought of as harsh but a lot of my stress had stemmed  from family. Sometime you just need that distance in order to salvage what regains in the relationship.

This year I think I want to ease my way back into the dating scene. I have been choosing the wrong men for to long and I think I should just date for awhile. You know no single commitment to one person. Just several meet and see how it goes meeting. No, sexual encounter what so ever. I kind of suck at saying "no" especially when it's been awhile but this could give me the motivation to work my frustrations out more at the gym. 

Education??!

It breaks my heart that my child is struggling in one class because the teacher won't meet her halfway.
We were recently homeless and being in such a situation students don't have access to alot oc things the teacher requires for class. For example this teacher posted article of the weeks online and asked all students to print them off do them and turn them in by the end of the week. Prior to this I pretty much handwritten letters to all of my daugher's teachers explaining our situation as well as asking them not to penalize her due to our situation.
This one teacher wether she is playing dumb or not continuously even after request from my daugher gave her the articles printed a day before the due date not allowing her extra time to complete it like her classmates. This teacher continued do this even after being asked by my daugher at the beginnig of the week. Now that the semester is windig down and my child is only failing this class she is beyond stressed.
I am so angry this happened to my child that I don't know what to do. It's really not her fault that she is failing, in this case the teacher failed her.
I am starting to understand why children are discouraged and want to drop out my high school. Where are the quality teacher?

Blogger's Discretion Advised

I'm not perfect and I try to admitt my faults. When I'm upset I write what I feel at the moment. It's raw and unfiltered. I don't give any names and no one really knows me so if I blogged about you there is no need to get upset. Everyone has moments of frusteration with no one to talk to.
That was where I was and where I always am when I'm venting. This is my release, i'm not asshamed or afraid whom might know. I've bottled too much up in myself and it hurts physically and mentally. I do this for me with no care of who reads it becausd someone out inthis great big world could probably relate.
I do not and will not now or ever apologize for my in the moment feelings beit negative or positive. I love myself enough to be okay with whatever consequences that may arise from someone finding my blog.
I'm tired of talking out loud and no one listening. I've decided to vent via blog get over it. It's not just about you it's about me.

Feeling under the weather

So feeling sick is a bad enough feeling that you don't want to deal with the rest of the world. However, I'm sitting here at Redicare and it was quiet until this ghetto mama comes in with her child. Mind you Redicare is an alternative to the ER especially for things that aren't life threatening. Well, ghetto mama was told that there was a two hour wait and she went off. On whom you may ask? No one really she just bitched about it out loud for everyone to hear. Then to top it off her phone rings and she continues that tirade on the phone. She goes on to say thet have an attitude here and axt like they don't know what they are doing. Just because she has to wait like me and every other patient in this waiting room. I so hate being sick and around ignorant people. 😠😩

Venting...as always.

So, things didn't work out the way I expected to and I'm back where I said I would never return in a million years. Tension is high on my end because well frankly my Mom is going through Menopause (this is my diagnosis based on her crazy mood swings and freak outs) and she is driving me crazy. She has this unspoken rule that it is my job to clean up after myself and her regardless of the circumstances. If I'm dead tired and don't feel like cleaning the kitchen I would most likely get my head bit off by the beast whereas she can come home make a giant mess and crash into bed because she know this one way rule is in place.

I'm loosing sleep not because of her menopause psychosis but from the sheer stress of being here square one, yet again with all the odds against me just because I am young and her child and it is my job to be her slave. I think not. On top of that she constantly bullies her granddaughter into doing simple stuff she would do herself if we were not here. Like what you ask? Well lets say she gets up in the morning to get ready for work and tries on 10 outfits of course only picking one out and she has them thrown all around her room. Well that's what, she has her granddaughter clean up the mess she clearly made on her own and would be more than capable of cleaning it up if we were not here.

I hate living in this state and I pray that I will be working soon. So that I can be on my way again. I need my own space and much distance between myself and my mom. I love her but now is not a good time for me to be amongst her menopause psychosis. I don't have the patients and this double edge sword is bound to kill me. I also hope and pray that when I do start working my mom lets me save my money. Last time she enforce a rent and grocery bill and I might as well not have got a job because my whole paycheck was going in her pocket. She wouldn't allow me to save money to save my life. I really hope things are different this time, because my tongue is hurting from biting it so hard. Oh, give me strength to make it though another month it's only been one month.

Loyalty

It's pretty bad when the only loyal male in my life is my dog.

Truth...

What is the truth especially when there is no known solution to the problem presented?

??

I need a place of my own. Away from liars and decievers. Why, did I talk myself into this situation? Do I really think things will change in time? So, far as what I can see is that there is little to no improvement happening. Could that be because as adult I know things between adults should not take this long. Most adults in a relationship are honest and communicate with their partner about everything. Not just the stuff you deem worthy to share. On top of that it is pretty bad when a neighbor knows more about what is going on in the house than the partner in the relationship. I don't know how to do this. I don't know where to go from here. At this point in time I'm ready to throw in the towel on my very unique and complicated relationship. It's only been a month. 😔😩

Born yesterday...?

Yes, I guess I was born yesterday. The lies you tell and the scemes you scemin are all new to me. I was born yesterday. Mind not the fact that I have graduated from univeristy with honors and a degree because yes, I was born yesterday. My mind is well beyond those of the simple and my body is in tuned to every emotion. I know so much more than what you think of me. For you I was born yesterday for me I am well beyond my age. I have been ther done that and have all the T-shirts, you should recognize who you speak to. I am strong and independent don't need no man to lean on. I was nice enough to consider you. The least you could do is be true. True blue to every wors whether verbal or text, i can have anyone I desire and be where ever my content heart desires. But to you I was born yesterday and you can treat me any ol' way. This be a lesson to you, you have the best and treat it like the rest you will find in time that you sir in fact the one born yesterday.

Perplexed

It's funny how you can surf the Internet and find one picture with text that describe all your feelings about one situation.

How was my day??

How Was My Day?

 

How was my day? My day is like every other day, uneventful... Why do you ask?? Because you feel sorry for me?? Or is it your way of acting like you car when in all actuality you don't. Or you forgot and now realized that the whole day has gone by and you have said not even two words to me. I am tired and on edge ready to jump from this speeding inferno called life. How was my day?? Needless to say....UNEVENTFUL. 

Why do we ask question that have such obvious answers? Why is life full of small talk and very little meaningful intellectual conversations?